Al gets his cycling badge

I have previously hinted at this day, the day Al came out on a group ride. Since then my life has not been the same in any way.

The day was a normal ride, a normal route and a good cafe stop ahead. All started off reasonably well, group was a bit fractured at times but nothing untoward. Arrived at the cafe all well and described the route back avoiding road closures and adding a few lumps and bumps to make it interesting. Set off and we had a struggling rider, which I dropped back to help. The group quickly split apart leaving us two alone; almost alone because Al joined us making it three! Al came from nowhere, but quickly started telling me that they were doing it on a purpose and reminding me that it was not the first time. They didn’t like me and were leaving me for a reason.

The group were to turn left but didn’t, blindly steaming ahead. “See that, they are ignoring you, couldn’t care less” Al told me. Al achieved what he wanted to achieve and that was bringing down the red mist. To cut a long story short, we caught up with them and I lost it, totally lost it and told them what I thought of them including those who I considered to be friends. After a strong discussion, I came home and literally cried. A grown man, from a mining town in Yorkshire crying. Time to pack it all in, Al had won, achieved a sort of isolation. I gave it all up for my own sanity and seek help from my Counsellor.

Severe anxiety was diagnosed (Al was getting the recognition he felt he deserves) and a course of further more deep Counselling along with meditation was recommended. Al was loving the battle, none of this was going to work and reminded me the last sessions didn’t work and the best person to listen to was him.

I was at an all time low, emotional for no reason, not motivated but trying to show that all is well even though I wasn’t. Friends and fellow cyclists tried to pull me through by offering to go out, but a mixture of anxiety, loss of motivation, wanting to be alone and embarrassment prevented me doing so. At first I was ok on my own cycling then the first round of tablets kicked in and I became that neutered cat, just wanting to sleep or stare blankly at the tv.

The next time I will put my spin on counselling, the use of drugs and other sources of help. These are my experiences, and I am not advocating one or the other, and what ever path suits you that’s the one to walk down.

See you next time